


Time Gone By

by BornToLose



Category: Guns N' Roses
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M is literally just for the drug mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:07:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26016250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BornToLose/pseuds/BornToLose
Summary: You and Izzy were the perfect couple in high school, but after he moved to Los Angeles, you lost each other. Years later, he comes back to Indiana and you realize both of you have changed in the meantime.
Relationships: Izzy Stradlin/Reader
Kudos: 3





	Time Gone By

**Author's Note:**

> I'm in the mood for some heartbreak again, so here's a kinda heavy piece of angst. I cried writing this, so I hope you do too.

You and Jeff had been together for most of high school. It had just been two weeks into freshman year that he'd asked you out. For your first date you went to a cheap diner and you hit it off right away, although you had been very careful at the beginning because if your relationship didn't end on good terms, you would still have to see each other daily, but after some time, you didn't need to worry about that at all as things didn't seem to go downhill anytime soon. You'd also found Jeff wasn't one to be unforgiving and talk bad about his ex girlfriends.

Time seemed to fly by when you were with him, but it also seemed to last forever. You never got tired of each other and rarely got into arguments, but even then, you'd make up quickly.

While he already went by his nickname Izzy most of the time, you were one of the very few people who were allowed to call him Jeff. It was kind of an honor and made you feel more special to him.

It was pretty much a miracle to find the right one at the first try, but you were lucky enough to be able to call Jeff your first and hopefully only boyfriend. You were obviously happy and people called you the perfect couple, jokingly asking when you'd finally get married. You wanted to spend your life together and he'd always talk about how you'd move to California as soon as you'd graduate.

Both of you had big plans, but when it came down to making them come true after school, you decided to stay in Indiana to study while Jeff moved to Los Angeles to kick off his music career. He was a great drummer, so you didn't doubt for a second that he'd make it big at some point. It might be tough, but you believed in him. He promised to take you with him once he succeeded, saying he would test the waters and make a decent living first.

But that was the sad part. It never happened.

Although you weren't able to visit him, you stayed in contact for the next couple of years and regularly called to check in on how the other was doing. At first, he would call you every day, but those calls got rarer over time and nearly stopped when he started playing in Guns N' Roses. Then you'd only talk on the telephone once a month, but the excitement in his voice and the long stories about what his band had achieved since your last call made up for that. You were incredibly proud of him because things were looking good for the boys and you knew how much he had wanted this.

You watched as they became more and more popular. You watched as they released their first album and bought it on the first day. You watched the tabloids having a field day with their drug problems and several other scandals. Soon you found Izzy Stradlin wasn't the Jeff Isbell you'd known in high school. Izzy had sold drugs to get by in the initial phase of the band's career - something you had never thought he would do. He had smoked pot in Lafayette, but he only became a junkie in Los Angeles. The rockstar lifestyle had definitely left its marks on him. But did that make you love him any less? No.

What broke your heart was reading about his numerous girlfriends and even seeing one of them in a music video. You felt like you had no right to be jealous as you hadn't seen him in years and wasn't exactly the definition of a girlfriend by now, but he hadn't broken up with you either. All this time, you had considered yourself being in a long distance relationship with him. Officially, you were still a couple. In none of his phone calls he'd told you it was over or even let anything shine through that hinted at him being with somebody else. The source of your knowledge of his partners was magazines. It hurt more than it should have and you knew he was probably looking for someone that matched his new standards, but you never lost hope that he might come back to you someday.

When you passed by any of your old hangout spots or the diner where you'd had your first date back in ninth grade, memories came flooding back to you, which only made you miss Jeff even more. When you saw a cute dog in public, you couldn't help but think about him and how he had always loved dogs. When you watched Tommy or listened to The Rolling Stones, your mind immediately wandered to him too. There were so many places in this town and so many little things that had memories attached to them. Originally, they were happy memories, but thinking of them suddenly gave you a melancholic feeling.

Even years later that still happened more frequently than you would have liked. You tried to move on from your relationship but not forget him - hell, you still loved him! At least the vision you had of him. Your Jeff, not the fangirls' Izzy. When your friends told you he's a different man now, you refused to believe he had changed that much. You firmly believed deep inside he was still the same and it was all just a facade to maintain his image, although the better part of you knew you were lying to yourself.

You still got along well with his mother and when she told you Jeff would be returning to Indiana to take a break from all the fame, you were happy you'd see him again. But what if he didn't like you anymore? Would he be mad at you for not visiting him? And would he even recognize you? He probably still had the image of an eighteen years old (y/n) while you'd seen him all over magazines and on TV. The question you didn't even want to ask yourself was: Would he come by himself or with a girl? He was the quietest band member, so who knew if maybe he was secretly engaged or even married? It had almost been a decade since the last time you had seen him in person and you were extremely nervous. There were so many questions you wanted to ask him and so much to catch up on, but you felt hesitant for some reason. Maybe your friends were right about him being a completely different person? Maybe there was nothing left of Jeffrey Dean Isbell anymore except for the name on his birth certificate?

The day arrived before you could fully prepare yourself for his stay. His mom thought it would be good for him to talk to somebody normal he trusted. Of course, you were selected.

You knocked at the door at the time she had told you to be there. A tall man with dark hair opened the door. "Hi Jeff," you managed to say after standing there for minutes, just staring at each other with unreadable expressions.

He broke the awkwardness that was hanging between you two and pulled you into a tight hug. You clasped your hands behind his back, burying your face in his chest. "I missed you, (y/n)," he exclaimed.

"I missed you too. So fucking much." Your voice was shaky and you only now noticed the tears that were rolling down your cheeks. You weren't entirely sure yet if they were happy tears, but right now you were glad to have him in your arms again. From what his mom had told you and what you'd heard from the media, he could have died several times. You couldn't take it for granted to see him alive and you really hoped he would quit the drugs before he'd end up killing himself.

Eventually, he pulled away, his hands still on your waist and a wide smile on his face. "Come in."

You sat on the bed of his childhood room, which hadn't changed since the last time you had been here the night before he'd moved away. "I'm assuming you've heard about everything?" he asked, biting his lip and looking down at his feet in shame.

You figured he was referring to his addictions and quietly nodded. It was hard not to read anything about that when they were one of the most popular bands around. "Your mom told me you came here to take a break."

"Yeah, exactly. I just need some time off before we go back to touring."

Jeff elaborated on why he was here and whatever he needed to get off his chest before he asked you about your life, which was entirely different than his. "I'm really sorry for not calling you for years," he apologized sincerely.

"It's okay," you replied, but you were secretly still sad and bitter about it despite knowing he was very busy. You were itching to say something referring to his various girlfriends but decided to stay silent. You were meant to support him. He didn't need you coming for him too.

He was fidgeting with the rolled up sleeve of his shirt and cleared his throat. "Um… I know this is really random, but… could we give it another try?"

You hesitated for a moment. You'd wanted to get back together with him for years, but was now the best time? It would just be a fling before he would be on the road again and you wouldn't see him for another couple of years. Then again, he probably wanted someone familiar to hold on to during this time. And you could possibly stay together for good if you rekindled your relationship now.

"Yeah, sure."

The two of you started dating again, doing all the things couples do, basically. The first place he went with you was the old diner, so it was where you'd had your first ever date and your first date after finding each other again. The thought behind it was kind of cute, actually. You also visited the skatepark where he'd used to show you stunts when you'd just started going out and he'd thought he had to impress you to get you to like him. You even managed to get into your school's library where you'd always get shushed when you'd talked about your plans. It was all pretty nostalgic.

At first you played it off as the awkwardness that came with getting back together after such a long time, but as time went by, you realized something was different.

When he pulled you close, you didn't feel your heart beating faster. When you kissed, it didn't give you butterflies. The plans of a future with him became less vivid than when you'd sat in the trunk of his car, looking at the stars and mapping out your life in L.A. He didn't show you as much physical affection as he'd used to, but you weren't actively looking for it either. There were a few times one of you tried to get intimate, but it never turned into more. Someone was either tired or not in the mood.

It wasn't like you didn't try. You  _ wanted _ to go back to where you'd been. You  _ wanted _ to be the happy couple again. You  _ wanted _ to make plans with him. You  wanted to love him. And you knew he wanted it too, but after a while it got emotionally draining because it didn't lead to anything, no matter how hard you tried.

Nothing was like it had been. Both of you had changed a lot over time. You weren't the lovey-dovey teenagers with big dreams. You were adults with different lives. The spark wasn't there anymore and it pained you to come to the realization that you had fallen out of love.

You'd never thought this could happen to you. You'd thought your love for him was immune to that as everything had been perfect from the very beginning. When he came back to Lafayette, you were so happy the first weeks, but it turned out that was just the bliss of spending time together after years of silence. Looking back at it, it felt more like a reunion with an old friend than with a boyfriend.

How long you had yearned for Jeff to come back to you so you could live the life you both wanted together. How much you had felt like something was missing every day since he had left. You had wanted to share every moment with him and now that you could, you felt too close. You were in love with the old Jeff, not the new Izzy. Apparently, your friends were right about the change of personality coming with the change of name.

It wasn't only his fault though. You didn't have the same interests and dreams as you'd had in high school. You were sure you didn't even have the qualities he was looking for in a girl anymore.

He was still sweet to you, but perhaps you just worked as friends now. It was probably supposed to remain a high school romance and shouldn't turn into anything serious. It would have been too good to be true anyway.

Izzy seemed to feel the same. You could tell from the way he was acting around you. He was very distant and it didn't feel like an actual relationship; it was more of a routine. As sad as the situation was, you were relieved you were both on the same page and neither of you would be too surprised when you broke up. It would be heartbreaking, but you wouldn't be satisfied keeping the game going either. You would just tie each other down when you could be happy with somebody else.

You began making up scenarios in your head of what could have been if you hadn't parted ways after your graduation. Would you be in a healthy relationship now? Or would he have left you because he wanted more freedom and sacrificed his dreams for you? Maybe he could have found a way to make music while living with you? Would you even have a little family? You were aware thinking about all the possibilities if things had turned out differently only hurt you more, but it was a temporary escape from reality for you and made you forget for a moment about how tragic the truth was.

The next time you visited him, the dreaded talk was due. "We need to talk," he said in a serious tone.

"What is it?" you asked, although you knew exactly what he wanted to talk about; you just didn't want to come to terms with it yet.

Izzy sighed as you sat down next to him and took your hand. "(Y/n). You're an amazing woman and you only deserve the best, but I don't want to waste our time with an unhappy relationship."

You had seen it coming and you knew it was only for the best, yet you felt tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. You tried to blink them away, but they were already falling. He got right to the point because elaborately talking about what had been going wrong between you would hurt both of you too much. You couldn't change anything now and it was no use discussing what you could do to save your relationship.

He squeezed your hand and forced a sad smile, continuing shakily, "Thank you for supporting me at all times. I can't say how grateful I am to have found you again."

You nodded, biting your lip as you thought of a way to respond. "That's what I'm here for," you whispered, trying not to let the overcoming sadness show too much.

During his stay, he hadn't touched drugs once and you were proud of him for that. At least there was one positive thing about you being around him.

It hurt much more than it should have. The worst thing was that you'd reserved yourself for him all this time. You hadn't been in a long-term relationship ever since he'd moved to California. Your friends always told you to get over him and look for someone new, but you never stopped hoping for him to keep his promise and take you to Los Angeles with him. He'd always kept his promises. When you had heard he would come back, you'd thought you'd finally be happier again, but now it turned out to be the complete opposite.

You wanted to tell him how you wished he had never left you, but you were too proud of him for making his dream come true. You hated how you had always put the people you loved first and often neglected your own well-being for their sake - and now it came back to bite you. Maybe you should have done more to make him stay or maybe you should have not been too damn stubborn to come with him. You had been afraid to take this big step, but now you realized that if you had joined him, you possibly would have been able to keep your love alive and that thought alone made a hundred self-reproaches pop up in your head.

"I wish things wouldn't have changed," you croaked out.

"I'm so sorry, (y/n). I should have never left you."

Izzy placed a hand on your cheek and looked into your glossy eyes. Now that his face was so close, you noticed he was crying too. He leaned forward and briefly pecked your lips one last time. You didn't know why he did that, but you assumed it was meant to be confirmation that you really didn't feel anything when you kissed. It didn't magically change with this one.

From the looks you exchanged, he could tell that was really it. You'd hoped you would feel different now and he did too, but this wasn't the point in the movies when the spark returned and the couple realized they were meant to be together forever. That kind of thing just didn't happen in real life.

He stroked your cheekbone with his thumb and sighed as he drew his hand away. You shut your eyes again, tears streaming down your face as you could still feel his slightly chapped lips on yours. He looked up at the ceiling in an attempt to make his tears go away, letting out a shaky breath.

The fact that you had fallen out of love didn't make this breakup any less painful. In fact, it hurt more than you thought any other breakup could hurt. Maybe in other cases when both people involved didn't have feelings for each other, they weren't mad or heartbroken. But it was different in your case because you knew you could have prevented that. What you and Izzy had these past weeks was worlds away from your high school romance and you wished you could turn back time.

There was an uncomfortable silence and you waited for him to get up and leave you alone before you realized it was his house and you should probably go, but you weren't able to move yet.

"Would you still let me go now?" Izzy asked almost inaudibly, looking at you again.

You shook your head, wiping your tears with the ball of your hand, knowing even more would be following. "No, I'd never let you go again."


End file.
